Fertilityklok

"Fertilityklok" is the sixth episode of the third season of Metalocalypse, forty-fifth overall. It aired on September 26, 2010 on Adult Swim.

Synopsis
After playing in Tokyo, the band kidnaps Toki and locks him in a room with women to sleep with. Toki starts searching for a soul mate but eventually sleeps with all of the women. Murderface and Skwisgaar get into a competition to see who can get the most women.

Plot
Dethklok is giving a concert in Tokyo, Japan. Their specially made stage has the traditional Asian sweeping roof, but it has their personal flair as it is made of metal and there are several jagged spikes coming out of it. At the end of the concert, Nathan thanks the audience, and Toki takes the microphone to say "I loves you Tokyo. I loves each and every one of you!" Suddenly an unidentified kidnapper throws a bag over his head and everything goes black. Later a light is turned on and Toki is tied to a chair with the bag still over his head, scared witless. He pleads with his kidnapper, saying he has a lot of money and he begs not to be killed. The kidnapper, using a voice-changing device, says "nobody can help you". This scares Toki enough to urinate himself and he offers the lives of Dethklok in exchange of his own, even saying he'll lead the way. He laments his bad luck. The voice says "I just have one thing to say before I kill you" and a gun is held to his head. The bag is removed and Dethklok screams "Happy Birthday!" with a cheering audience. It turns out the whole kidnapping was a prank so Dethklok could really surprise him with a birthday party. The whole band congratulates him and Toki half-heartedly laughs but he says he honestly thought he would die. Pickles says there's tons of fun planned for tonight including about a hundred women who are willing to have sex with him. Toki does not seem enthusiastic, saying "oh wonderful, just what I needs: more sluts."

Unfulfilling relationships
The emcee at Toki's party tells a lot of offensive jokes at the expense of Dethklok. He calls Toki "the most beautiful pre-op tranny" and makes fun of Pickles' alcoholism and drug abuse, but this is met with good cheer from the band. He then takes a pot shot at Murderface, saying he's not an actual musician and commenting that Skwisgaar has "f*cked more women than breast cancer" and then returning to Murderface and saying women won't have sex with him despite being a krillionaire, which Murderface doesn't take kindly. He then calls Nathan "Tonto" and asks him to use his "Indian tracking skills" to find some soap and water. None of the band laughs, considering this going too far and Charles whispers something to his aide. Seconds later, the emcee is drugged with a tranquilizer dart and he falls to the stage. Nathan says "give him a round of applause, he's good."

Outside, Toki is drinking a cocktail by himself and Pickles approaches him with the gaggle of women from earlier, saying that they're still ready to have sex with him. Toki sends them away and Pickles complies, but he asks Toki why. Toki says that he's tired of women who are only interested in him because he's rich and famous calling them "skanky golddiggers and sluts". This angers Pickles, who scolds him for talking about "gold digging sluts" that way. Toki insists that he wants a real woman, one who will have his children.

The Dethklok Minute announces that Toki is looking for a wife and already fans are lining up around the world, some even getting violent. Watching from the kitchen, Nathan says it's pretty cool that Toki got a mention in the Dethklok Minute. Toki says he would like some advice on dating and meeting women, which Nathan finds adorable. Pickles offers from his experience, instructing him to "get your tour manager to find a chick, he gets her backstage and you pull out your dick", which Skwisgaar confirms as solid advice. Toki protests, saying he wants a real date, which angers the three of them, who ask how is that not a real date. Toki says that he wants a date in which he actually speaks to a woman and she gets to ask questions, which angers Skwisgaar, who says women don't ask questions unless they are in court. Murderface begins to give his point of view, but Skwisgaar loudly scoffs at the idea of him having experience with women. This angers William and he loudly proclaims he can have sex with as many women as Skwisgaar. Nobody doubts him, but he insists that he's just as good and proclaims that starting that moment he will have sex with as many women as the lead guitarist does. Nathan and Pickles are up for keeping score, saying that they will take underwear, video recording, or audio testimonies as proof of the deed. Skwisgaar accepts the terms and leaves to get a head start, leaving Murderface shouting that he's going to "choke in p*ssy". Toki is disgusted at the whole conversation and calls his bandmates shallow and leaves to meet with a dating agency.

Ladymates and Sexual harassment
The dating agency is called e-Ladymates.com and the agent tells Toki they have a 100% guarantee on finding a "life lady mate partner". Toki says he's looking not only for a friend but also a companion and a mother to his children. The agent says it can be done, which surprises Toki since it seems too easy. The agent even says that the partner's fertility can be pinpointed, to which Murderface (who has been in the room the whole time) says he can pinpoint his fertility as well with some lotion, DSL internet, and some napkins. Toki scolds that he said he could come along only if he didn't ruin the meeting. Murderface asks the agent to set him up with about one hundred women for him to have sex with, but the agent answers that they specialize in lifetime partners. Toki screams at William to wait for him in the lobby so he can continue his meeting. The agent asks Toki details to better match to someone, Toki says he wants a woman who doesn't care or know he's famous and he won't care what she looks like, he wants a pure woman with confidence and a true heart, someone he can talk to. The agent says he can make a match with this information and then says "we guarantee our results" in a rather ominous tone that unsettles Toki.

Back at Mordhaus, William is standing in front of the Female Online Division, muttering to himself about beating Skwisgaar. He enters the room and shouts "surprise inspection ladies!". He walks up to one of the Klokateers, asking to use her computer to check his Myspace account. She sighs loudly and tells him she's working. He ignores her, putting his arm around her shoulder and drawing her closer while she makes more noises of annoyance and discontent. He tells her to relax while massaging her shoulder, but she's unhappy, saying "I'm trying to get some work done" brusquely. He mentions that he's a multimillionaire and her boss, trying to imply he has power over her but gets maced in the face instead. None of the other computer engineers pay much attention to his cries of pain.

In the common room, Nathan is playing a videogame while Skwisgaar, Toki and, Pickles look on when Toki gets a phone call. It's the Ladymate agency, saying they have a lifetime match for him, a woman named Caroline Bsijldfjo. Toki happily goes to meet her, telling Dethklok to wish him good luck, which Nathan does. He then sings a song about meeting Caroline, in which he pictures a beautiful young woman whom he rescues from a dragon and then gets married to in a church full of rabbits. He hopes to live out his whole life with her, grow old, and die together.

He arrives at the appointed restaurant, looking expectantly for his bride-to-be, but he gets a shock when she turns out to be rather ugly. They have an awkward date without speaking to each other, at the end of which Caroline emotionlessly says she had a great time and then gives Toki her ovulation calendar, passively saying they'll have intercourse on the 15th. Toki is shocked since they literally just met, but Caroline ignores him, saying she likes the name Wilfmore or Donnington for their child. She leaves saying "don't forget to keep the 15th open so you can deposit sperm in my vagina with your penis" as detached as before.

Meanwhile, Charles informs Murdeface he's facing a sexual harassment lawsuit against him from the woman in the online department. Murderface complains that he didn't even get the chance to sexually harass her. Charles advises him to settle out of court with his own money and to take a sexual harassment seminar. William loudly complains that it will interfere with his sex plans and then wonders if Skwisgaar is even participating in their contest. Cut to Skwisgaar loudly having a threesome in a department store, with hundreds of women lined up waiting for their turn with him. Toki sits in his room, dejectedly looking at the calendar Caroline gave him, which has an image of a fetus pasted on the 15th. Nathan and Pickles come in to ask him how his date went and Toki lies, saying it went really well. Pickles is happy at this news and asks when the band can meet her, to which Toki replies never. Pickles interprets this as Toki wanting to keep her all to himself and says she must be an angel. Nathan says that the dating agency must be good and begins to ask Toki about their service, but Toki says they're too expensive and then excuses himself saying that he's off to meet Caroline. Nathan muses he's never seen Toki so happy.

At the sexual harassment in the workplace seminar, Facebones introduces himself to the cheers of one Klokateer, who is quickly subdued with a taser. Facebones explains that sexual harassment is the act of degrading other people with your sexuality, taking the power away from the harassed. He then shows a series of videos in which a Klokateer decked out with an electric collar is shocked whenever he says or does something that could be construed as sexual harassment. This includes giving compliments (which can be taken as flirtation or sexual advance), saying "that is good information to have" (which can be taken as stalking) and asking about clothing. Eventually, the Klokateer gives up talking to his female coworker and walks past her, to which Facebones says "well done". He then says there's no joking in the workplace as "humor is hurtful and can ruin lives". He then gives more advice to avoid getting caught up in a sexual harassment lawsuit, one of them being going home if one gets an unexpected erection during work. Murderface loudly complains that the video won't end.

Caroline's date
Back at Ladymates, Toki tries to say he's not attracted to Caroline as he'd hope it would be and maybe the agency made a mismatch. Toki says she's not very pretty and the agent calls him out on the fact that earlier he said he didn't care about looks. When Toki tries to say their personalities don't match, the agent insists that her personality perfectly matches Toki's temperament. The agent says they don't make mistakes, so the problem must be Toki. The agent orders Toki to try to make the relationship work, and Toki says he will, but he's not happy. After Toki leaves, the agent turns to a hired thug and tells him to follow Toki. If Toki fails to satisfy Caroline, the thug has instructions to hurt Toki's "loved one", who they believe is Murderface. The thug looks at a photo of Toki and Murderface and asks "which one?", the agent replies "the guy."

Murderface has resorted to calling random women from the phonebook and prepositions them for sex, with rather poor results. Toki comes in and asks William for advice on what to do about Caroline. When he admits that part of the problem is that Caroline wants to have sex and he doesn't, Murderface gets enraged since he's having so much trouble finding a partner. He throws Toki out of his "office", and then calls back after him, asking if Caroline has a sister.

Toki meets up with Pickles and Nathan and admits that Caroline only wants to have sex with him to get pregnant. Both Nathan and Pickles express disgust at the idea of sex done for procreation. Toki also admits that Caroline is ugly and he's not attracted to her at all. Pickles advises him to listen to his dick when the moment of truth comes and Nathan concurs and then tells him to never get into a room that has no exit. In a short montage, Murdeface is shown to be so unsuccessful at finding a partner with the phonebook he smashes his Dethphone to pieces in frustration while Skwisgaar is very successful, finding many young and old women who want him.

The 15th arrives and Toki goes to meet Caroline in Hotel Suffocation, with a bouquet of red roses in his hand. Caroline is waiting for him in room 909 and as soon as he arrives she informs him that she's applied lubricant to herself and asks him to wash his genitals with penis soap. Meanwhile, Murderface has apparently found a willing partner in Craiglist. However, it turns out it's the hired thug from Ladymates setting him up. As Toki washes his genitals, he complains the soap smells like medicine and then hears a small squeaky voice. It's his penis talking, and it tells Toki they don't want to have sex with Caroline because they would be miserable for the rest of his life. He goes to the room and tells Caroline he won't go near her; she gets angry and blocks the door. Remembering Nathan's advice, Toki jumps out the window. Caroline calls Ladymates to complain Toki didn't "fulfill his end of the deal". Somewhere else, Murderface arrives to his "date" dressed in a tuxedo and bringing roses and a video camera. Unfortunately for him on the other side of the door, the thug was waiting for him with a baseball bat aimed at his genitals.

As the episode ends Skwisgaar remarks he had sex with around 400 women without even trying. Pickles asks Murderface what his final count was an William is forced to admit it's zero and then complain his penis is broken and it was not a level playing field. They wonder where Toki is and Nathan comments "he's finally celebrating his birthday". Toki is sitting on a massive bed with several beautiful women, commenting they all had a nice date and then he announces he'll pull out his dick (in anticipation for sex).

Guest voices

 * Kirk Hammett
 * Mark Brooks
 * Frankie Ingrassia
 * Andy Richter
 * Laraine Newman

Trivia

 * The emcee calls Nathan "Tonto" to make an offensive joke about Native Americans. He's the second person to call Nathan that, the first being Rebecca in Girlfriendklok; and the third being by a non-alcoholic bartender in Snakes and Barrels II Part 2. It's revealed that he's 1/4 Yannemango in Dethcarraldo.
 * Both the emcee and the Ladymates agent seem to find Toki rather feminine, despite his muscles and his mustache.
 * Craigslist is an actual website where people can sell and buy goods and services. It's become rather infamous as some people will use it to find sexual partners, as Murderface attempted.
 * Skwisgaar mentions that his contest with Murderface took two weeks. The day that Toki escaped from Caroline was the 15th of the month and his birthday was two weeks before, meaning that his birthday is either the first on the month or the 30/31 of the previous month. Based on the 2010 calendar as compared to that shown on Caroline's fertility chart, his birthday is most likely August 31 or September 1.