"Fertilityklok" is the sixth episode of the third season of Metalocalypse and forty-fifth overall. It aired on September 26, 2010 on Adult Swim.
Synopsis[]
Toki, in search for a woman to spend his life with, signs up for a matchmaking service, an endeavor which proves itself difficult when he meets his "lady mate." Murderface and Skwisgaar, meanwhile, get into a competition to see who can sleep with the most women.
Plot[]
Toki's birthday party in Tokyo.
Dethklok is performing in Tokyo, Japan. Their specially made stage has a traditional Asian sweeping roof albeit with the band's own personal flair, as it is made of metal and there are several jagged spikes coming out of it. At the end of the concert, the band thanks the audience, when an unidentified kidnapper throws a bag over Toki's head. In another room, Toki is tied to a chair with the bag still over his head, scared witless. He pleads with his kidnapper, proposing money and even the lives of his bandmates, which the kidnapper ignores, holding a gun to his head and threatening to kill him. Before his demise, the bag is removed and Dethklok screams "Happy Birthday!" accompanied by a cheering audience; it had been a prank so that Dethklok could surprise Toki with a birthday party. The band congratulates him as Toki half-heartedly laughs, and Pickles announces the events planned for that night, including several women who are willing to have sex with Toki, who seems unenthusiastic.
Unfulfilling Relationships[]
The emcee at Toki's party tells a lot of offensive jokes at the expense of Dethklok. He mocks Toki's appearance and makes fun of Pickles' alcoholism and drug abuse, which is met with good cheer from the band. He then takes a pot shot at Murderface, saying he's not an actual musician and commenting that Skwisgaar has "fucked more women than breast cancer." He returns to Murderface, saying women won't have sex with him despite being a krillionaire, to which he doesn't take kindly. He then asks Nathan to use his "Indian tracking skills" to find some soap and water. None of the band laughs, considering this going too far as Charles whispers something to his side. Seconds later, the emcee is drugged with a tranquilizer dart and he falls to the stage. Nathan says to "give him a round of applause, he's good."
"That's offensive!"
Outside, Toki is drinking a cocktail by himself. Pickles approaches him with the gaggle of women from earlier, announcing that they're still ready to have sex with him. Toki sends them away and Pickles complies. Toki answers that he's tired of women who are only interested in him because he's rich and famous, calling them "skanky gold-diggers and sluts" and insisting that he wants a "real woman" who will have his children.
The Dethklok Minute announces that Toki is looking for a wife and already fans are lining up around the world, some even getting violent. Watching from the kitchen, Toki asks the rest of the band for some advice on dating and meeting women, which Nathan finds adorable. Pickles offers from his experience, instructing him to "get your tour manager to find a chick, he gets her backstage and you pull out your d**k", which Skwisgaar confirms as solid advice. Toki protests, saying he wants a "real date," which angers the three of them. Toki argues that he wants a date in which he actually speaks to a woman and she gets to ask questions, which angers Skwisgaar, who claims women don't ask questions "unless they are in court." Murderface begins to give his point of view, but Skwisgaar loudly scoffs at the idea of him having experience with women. This angers the bassist, who loudly proclaims he can have sex with as many women as Skwisgaar. Nobody doubts him, but he insists that he's just as good and proclaims that starting that moment he will have sex with as many women as the lead guitarist does. Nathan and Pickles decide to keep score, saying that they will take underwear, video recording, or audio testimonies as proof of the deed. Skwisgaar accepts the terms and leaves to get a head start, to which Murderface angrily replies that he'll "choke in p***y". Toki is disgusted by the interaction and calls his bandmates shallow, leaving to meet with a dating agency.
Ladymates and Sexual Harassment[]
Toki goes to a dating agency called e-Ladymates.com, and the agent tells Toki they have a 100% guarantee on finding a "life lady mate partner". Toki says he's looking not only for a friend, but also a companion and a mother to his children. Off the bat, the agent says it can be done and even claiming to be able to pinpoint the partner's fertility, surprising Toki. Murderface, who had been in the room the whole time, says he can pinpoint his fertility as well, "with some lotion, DSL internet, and some napkins." Toki scolds Murderface for ruining the meeting, while the bassist asks the agent to set him up with about one hundred women for him to have sex with. When asked for more details, Toki says he wants a woman who doesn't care or know he's famous. He states he won't care what she looks like, wanting a "pure woman with confidence and a true heart." The agent agrees to this in a rather ominous tone that unsettles Toki.
Sexual harassment.
Back at Mordhaus, Murderface is standing in front of the Female Online Division, muttering to himself about beating Skwisgaar. He enters the room and announces a "surprise inspection" before walking up to one of the Klokateers, asking to use her computer to check his Myspace account. She sighs loudly and tells him she's working, which he ignores. When she denies his advances, he mentions that he's a multimillionaire and her boss, to which she maces him in the face.
Toki's dream wedding
In the common room, Skwisgaar, Toki and, Pickles are watching Nathan play a video game when Toki gets a phone call. It's the Ladymate agency, saying they have a lifetime match for him: a woman named Caroline Bsijldfjo. Toki happily goes to meet her, singing a song about meeting Caroline. He pictures a beautiful young woman whom he rescues from a dragon and then gets married to in a church full of rabbits. He hopes to live out his whole life with her, grow old, and die together.
Caroline's ovulation calendar
He arrives at the appointed restaurant, looking expectantly for his bride-to-be, but he gets a shock when she turns out to be rather ugly. They have an awkward date without speaking to each other, at the end of which Caroline gives Toki her ovulation calendar, passively saying they'll have intercourse on the 15th. Toki is shocked since they just met, but Caroline ignores him, saying she likes the name Wilfmore or Donnington for their child. She leaves, reminding him to "keep the 15th open so [he] can deposit sperm in [her] v****a with [his] p***s."
Meanwhile, Charles informs Murdeface he's facing a sexual harassment lawsuit against him from the woman in the online department. He advises William to settle out of court with his own money and to take a sexual harassment seminar, who loudly complains that it will interfere with his sex plans. While Murderface wonders if Skwisgaar is still participating in their contest, the guitarist is shown loudly having a threesome in a department store, with hundreds of women lined up.
Toki sits in his room, dejectedly looking at the calendar Caroline gave him. Nathan and Pickles come in to ask him how his date went, and Toki lies, saying it went well. They talk, the former two assuming the best about the date and the service overall, before Toki uneasily excuses himself, saying that he's off to meet Caroline. Nathan muses he's never seen Toki so happy.
At the sexual harassment in the workplace seminar, Facebones introduces himself to the cheers of one Klokateer, who is quickly subdued with a taser. Facebones explains that sexual harassment is the act of degrading other people with sexuality, taking the power away from the harassed. He then shows a series of videos in which a Klokateer in an electric collar is shocked whenever he says or does something that could be construed as sexual harassment. This includes giving compliments (which can be taken as flirtation or sexual advance), saying "that is good information to have" (which can be taken as stalking), and asking about clothing. Eventually, the Klokateer gives up talking to his female coworker and walks past her, to which Facebones says "well done." He then says there's "no joking in the workplace," as "humor is hurtful and can ruin lives". He then gives more advice to avoid getting caught up in a sexual harassment lawsuit, one of them being going home if one gets an unexpected erection during work. Murderface loudly complains that the video won't end.
Caroline's Date[]
Back at e-Ladymates, Toki tries to say he's not as attracted to Caroline as he'd hoped to be, suggesting the agency made a mismatch. The agent notes that earlier he said he didn't care about looks, and when Toki tries to say their personalities don't match, the agent insists that her personality perfectly matches Toki's temperament. The agent suggests that the problem must be Toki and orders him to try to salvage the relationship, to which the guitarist reluctantly agrees. After Toki leaves, the agent turns to a hired thug and tells him to follow Toki, instructing that if he fails to satisfy Caroline, the thug is to hurt his "loved one", who they believe is Murderface.
Murderface has resorted to calling random women from the phonebook and prepositions them for sex, with rather poor results. Toki comes in and asks William for advice on what to do about Caroline. When he admits that part of the problem is that Caroline wants to have sex and he doesn't, Murderface becomes angry and jealous, throwing Toki out of his "office" before abruptly calling after him, asking if Caroline has a sister.
Toki meets up with Pickles and Nathan, and admits that Caroline only wants to have sex with him to get pregnant. Both Nathan and Pickles express disgust at the idea of sex done for procreation. Toki also admits that Caroline is ugly and that he's not attracted to her at all. Pickles advises him to "listen to [his] dick" when the moment of truth comes, and Nathan concurs, warning him to never enter a room that has no exit. In a short montage, Murderface is shown to be so unsuccessful at finding a partner with the phonebook he smashes his Dethphone to pieces in frustration, while Skwisgaar is very successful, finding many young and old women who want him.
Caroline is ready for intercourse.
Toki speaks to his dick
The 15th arrives, and Toki goes to meet Caroline in Hotel la Suffocation with a bouquet of red roses in his hand. Caroline is waiting for him in room 909, and as soon as he arrives, she informs him that she's applied lubricant to herself and asks him to wash his genitals with "p***s soap." Meanwhile, Murderface has apparently found a willing partner on Craigslist, who turns out to be the hired thug from the dating agency setting him up.
As Toki washes his genitals, he complains the soap smells like medicine.He then hears a small, squeaky voice, realizing it's his p***s talking. It tells Toki they don't want to have sex with Caroline, because they would be miserable for the rest of his life afterwards. He returns to the room and tells Caroline he won't go near her, angering her and prompting her to block the door. Remembering Nathan's advice, Toki jumps out the window. Caroline calls e-Ladymates to complain Toki didn't "fulfill his end of the deal". Somewhere else, Murderface arrives to his "date" dressed in a tuxedo and bringing roses and a video camera. Unfortunately for him, the thug had been waiting for him on the other side of the door with a baseball bat aimed at his genitals.
The sore loser
As the episode ends, Skwisgaar remarks he had sex with around 400 women without even trying. Pickles asks Murderface what his final count was, and William is forced to admit it's zero, arguing that his p***s was broken and that it was not a level playing field. They wonder where Toki is, and Nathan comments that "he's finally celebrating his birthday." Elsewhere, Toki is sitting on a massive bed with several beautiful women, commenting they all had a nice date and then announcing he'll "pull out [his] d**k."
Guest Voices[]
- Kirk Hammett
- Mark Brooks
- Frankie Ingrassia
- Andy Richter
- Laraine Newman
Trivia[]
- Craigslist [1]is an actual website where people can sell and buy goods and services. It's become rather infamous for some site members using it to find sexual partners, as Murderface attempted.
- Skwisgaar mentions that his contest with Murderface took two weeks. The day that Toki escaped from Caroline was the 15th of the month and his birthday had been two weeks before, meaning that his birthday is either the first on the month or the 30th/31st of the previous month. Based on the 2010 calendar (as compared to that shown on Caroline's fertility chart), his birthday is most likely August 31st or September 1st.
- On the Adult Swim website, Fertilityklok's synopsis mentions Toki having to "bear the brutality of being [Caroline's] date at her father's vegan funeral in 110 degree heat," as well as mentioning a subplot focusing on Nathan dating a performance artist.[1] According to Brendon Small, the synopsis is based on an early outline of the episode.[2]
Gallery[]
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